Perfectionist Sabotager

Part 1 reflection from IFS

The Perfectionist who didn’t believe in herself

Below is 1 of 2 deeper reflections on breakthroughs and hard truths that surfaced for me while working through Gabrielle Bernstein’s “Self Help”.

To read the original review of the book, click here.

As mentioned in the review of the “Self Help” Book, one of my manager protectors is who I called “The Perfectionist.”

However, this perfectionist doesn’t come from someone who is an over-controller. Oh no no no. This perfectionist is a saboteur (sabotager).

This perfectionist makes a list of prerequisites that need to be completed in utter perfection before I can begin. My perfectionist manager wants me to take every course from other industry gurus. It requires me to research every facet of a project from marketing to web design to wholesalers and then compare every single vendor I can ever find over and over again. Then it requires me to take more courses on marketing. Then it requires me to do every single thing manually because outside support or automation couldn’t possible execute things the way I want them done. It all has to fall on me and I need to become an expert at everything. Then I need to perfectly batch graphic designs and social media posts, but I rarely find the time to do so. When I do find the time, my creative bank is empty and have no idea what to possibly create; similar to writers block.

Every single step of the way, I get hard on my self and overwhelmed.

I don’t deal well with overwhelm so I’ll shut down, procrastinate, and eventually just give up.

My perfectionist says if it’s not perfect and I’m not a master at every aspect that the project requires, it’s not good enough to launch. It’s not good enough to continue on. I’m not good enough to continue on. I don’t have what it takes.

This part of me stems from my teenage years when my father constantly stated or implied I wasn’t good enough. I was either wasn’t doing enough or doing too much. The doing too much notion seemed to come up when supporting me in all my endeavors was too much of an inconvenience for him.

When it came to my dreams of going to a top university located far from where I live, he couldn’t support it. He only presented the fearful challenges to discourage me. I was told the tuition and expenses wouldn’t be doable, I wouldn’t be able to come home for Christmas, etc. When I presented my own solutions such as scholarships, grants, financial aid & loans, I was met with further resistance and told that I probably don’t have the grades to get in anyway.

Now, my grades were actually really good. It wasn’t perfect grades — mostly A’s and some B’s. However, I had a lot of extra curricular activities to show for — and I knew I could write a compelling personal essay.

I just couldn’t understand why my own family would discourage me from even trying in the first place instead of helping me to try to find solutions. The support wasn’t there. The feedback was that I wasn’t good enough and it was too hard so why bother trying. The feedback seemed to be… they didn’t believe in me.

Before I knew it, this feedback would evolve into a negative motivating operation for me.

And that’s how I ended up with this overwhelmed perfectionist who doesn’t truly believe in herself and self sabotages goals that seem big.

Through the IFS work in “Self Help” I was able to show this part of me — this disheartened teenager — the compassion she deserved.

This work revealed the underlying false beliefs that were instilled in me long ago. What was also revealed is that I’ve only felt good enough to get past this saboteur after received external validation, such as encouragement and reassurance from other people.

This work revealed that this part of me will only work up until a certain point and then give up after the overwhelm for the fear of being rejected or criticized.

This part of me has been trying to protect me from that rejection and criticism I was constantly met with as a teenager. That rejection and criticism felt awful coming from my father.

You see, I didn’t give a shit about what my peers thought about me when I was a teenager. I had been bullied plenty of times over. What I learned was when I showed the bullies (who were the same age as me) that I didn’t care about them or gave them the same treatment back, they eventually ceased.

When a parent who is supposed to be your safe space doesn’t support you, it hits different. It hits the belief system about yourself. It turns into your inner dialogue.

I’m still working on unapologetically believing in myself.

This blog is part of that healing.

Every post reassures 16 year old Ashley that she can achieve whatever she sets her mind to.

Every post removes one more brick (block) from my protective wall of apprehension.

One post at a time. One brick at a time.

I shall set myself free from the chains of uncertainty and remember who the fuck I am. I shall remember the light I was meant to share.